
'Finding Yourself'.
Sigh.
Have you ever felt
the pressure to define yourself? To find your 'niche'? To follow a
path that you believe is pre-determined. I know I did. I'm not here
to complain about my past, nor to talk smugly about my present, but I
in light of recent... events, I do feel somewhat justified in talking
about life choices and how important it isn't to make the right ones.
Yes, I said isn't.
There's such a
pressure, even from a young age to know who you are and what you want
from life. Teens as young as thirteen are made to choose which GCSE
subjects they're going to take, later on we choose what we're doing
at college or uni as if that's our set path forever. We choose our
career paths, find a Partner and find a place to settle down. All
these things, marriage, home ownership and a solid career are very
much a common goal for many young adults.
For me though, in a
marriage that I know my ex won't mind me saying was very much not
right, searching for a house I didn't really want, It felt wrong. I
had a job I enjoyed (still true, got the career crisis out of the way
two years ago), I had a husband and was about to become a 'first time
buyer'. The thing is though, despite looking from the outside like my
life was going exactly how it was supposed to, I'd never felt more
lost. I put it down to growing up and feeling a sense of loss of
youth, which I assumed was normal.
The honest truth is,
I was far more concerned with how my life looked to others than how
it actually was. Not necessarily for the good of social media or
impressing people, but moreso because once I was in certain
situations, I was terrified of rocking the boat or disappointing the
people who cared about me. I'd love to give an inspirational story
about some huge pivotal moment where everything changed, but it
wasn't really the case. It was more just a sudden realisation. One
day, I just had the conversation with my ex, who to my surprise was
very much on the same page that I was. We spread the news and
actually, as much as it did suck telling our friends and family that
we were ending the marriage, it really wasn't so bad.
Taking that first
step in beginning to live my life the way I wanted to resulted in a
huge snowball effect in other areas of life too. I'm in a new
relationship, which I will stress started very much after my marriage
ended, I've made some important decisions regarding people that I do
and don't want in my life, ending friendships and resurrecting old
ones that I thought I'd never have again, I've decided that actually,
I probably don't want to buy a house at all right now. Some of these
things are quite scary, knowing how easy it is for others to jump to
conclusions, particularly about a new relationship seemingly so soon
after the end of another, but I reached a point where I realised that
doing right by myself was far more important than doing what I felt I
should do for the good of others that don't know my situation,
I'll be real with
you, when I started writing this post, I initially wrote it from a
much more general perspective, about how tough it is to find yourself
and figure out where you're going in life. I realised though that in
talking about a topic like that in such a general way, I was almost
making the opposite of the point I wanted to make. Knowing yourself
is a hugely personal thing and not something that can be generalised.
Figuring out who you are and where your passions lie is a beautiful,
wonderful thing. However there are plenty of ideas out there about
how you should 'find yourself', but you'll never learn properly about
who you are if you're trying to learn in someone else's style.
Lately, I've found
that I have a pretty good idea of who I am, what I want, what I'm
into and who I want around me. The way I've found all of that though,
is completely by circumstance. I've discovered new things that I love
through people I love, I've discovered my own beliefs and morals
through a series of events and coincidences, I've done things and
made decisions consciously for sure, I've actively chosen to
experience things that have helped me work out exactly what I love
and what I want, but only have I gotten a good idea of who I am
through experiences that I didn't chose or expect.
The thing is, I
don't really believe it's entirely possible to know exactly who you
are or what you want in life because that is something that is
constantly changing. To accept that though and to realise that
sometimes, what you want will change or at least become clearer over
time is really important. Your path may be down a row of identical
houses with rose bushes and minivans parked out front or it may be
completely off the beaten track, either of these or anywhere
in-between is totally fine, just so long as you're not following
somebody else's directions.

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